Love for Ruby

          This is where you could find the kid. Always. Behind my left shoulder. Her hands usually held by arm above my elbow. I would stand in the office and talk to my assistant, and Ruby would stand behind me and hold my arm. We would stand in line at a restaurant, and Ruby would stand behind me and hold my arm. It was her comfort. It was where she always was. I stand places now, and I feel her without feeling her. It’s more that there is air and absence where she should be, where she was for so long. Since she died, I have said so many times that I can’t accurately explain how close we were. It is hard to explain. A 15-year-old child that loves her mom, a 15-year-old child that still clings to her mom. Ruby loved me as a human, not just as her mom. And I loved her as a distinct person, not just as my child. I miss that person. She was hard, she was hard to parent from the moment she was born. She was hard to understand for about 95% of the people that k...

  Love for Ruby   Love for Ruby......today, and every day. Every second. The all-encompassing love and sadness. There aren't words. How could there be words to describe this kind of grief. A name, for the loss of a child. To name the ocean you sink to the bottom of, to name the horror of your existence. To give it a separate name would be to recognize its existence. Even though it shouldn't exist.     I decided to start a blog because I'm tired of Facebook. Tired of trying to put my thoughts into a tiny paragraph, tired of worrying I am saying too much or too little. Too many tiny posts, compact yet rambling, trying to explain the unexplainable.    So, if nothing else, I can ramble here. For me, for Ruby. Always for Ruby.